You’re not as good a listener as you think…
"The quieter you become, the more you can hear." – Ram Dass
Despite teaching people how to better speakers and to become more adept at using their human voice, one of the most important skills in taking control of your communication is actually knowing when to shut the hell up and make someone else feel heard. Crazy right?
When I was 25 my first significant girlfriend said to me “Do you realise that when someone else tells a story or a joke, you don’t even acknowledge it, you just jump straight into your own story within a split second?”. This was a real punch to the ego, and I’ve had to re-learn this again from a few people in my life since. By quietly watching my family interact I now know where I got this trait from, and I’ve been trying to kill it with fire ever since.
I grew up as a talker, a non-stop broadcaster, and this article is both a reminder to myself and hopefully something useful for you too.
Being a good listener is the gateway to
strong relationships
becoming an ally
being trusted with information and responsibility
being listened to in return
Regardless of whether you want to use your communication skills for good or to be a maniacal cult leader, being a good listener is top of the pile when it comes to getting people on your side.
Work life, friendships and romantic relationships all improve fast when your listening skills get a do-over. You can make someone feel important, validated and interesting, while you appear more intelligent, more attractive and an over-all calming presence.
Be honest with yourself, have you ever actively worked on being a better listener? The closest most people come is some mild effort not to lose concentration while being spoken to.
Speaking as someone who’s been a Grade A - awful listener at times, my journey to becoming a better one has been incredibly revealing.
Chances are you’re not the listener you might think you are BUT compared to losing weight, working on your mental health, or opening a fail-safe dinosaur theme park, the road to improvement is easy and the results are instant.
Here are my top tips…
Don’t interrupt - Pretty obvious start but it’s this first hurdle people mostly fall at. Allow the speaker to express their thoughts fully before responding or asking questions.
A common mistake people make is to constantly say “yeah” while nodding frantically. We’ve definitely all experienced this person. People do this to convey that they’re listening but it has the opposite effect to the speaker. These responses feel ‘default’, they disrupt the speaker’s message and leave them wondering if you really took any info on board.
Be Calm/Spread Calm - Keep your movements slow. I know we’re not approaching a silverback gorilla but this really is a good tactic. Stop what you’re doing, find a comfortable position and let someone speak. You can nod along if you like but do it slowly. Erratic movements make the listener feel like you’re not really present but slow nodding looks considered and calm. If you really want to make a display of being present, close that laptop, put your phone away, turn to to face the speaker.
As someone with ADHD (with emphasis on the H) I can’t tell you how positive the response has been when I’ve slowed down my movements and put more effort into making my friend/partner/colleague feel heard.
I’ve also got male single friends who swear their good listening skills are the main reason for their success with women.
Eye Contact - You might be thinking “Will, I can’t maintain eye contact for a whole conversation, it feels psychopathic!” and you’re not wrong. It would be very ‘Chat GPT’ of me to imply you need to maintain eye contact for a whole chat. We’re not machines and I’m here to coach you to be a better human.
It’s rare to find two people who are both equally comfortable with the same long term gazing into another’s eyes. Lots of people don’t like it. If both of you are then you might be about to form a connection more powerful than the world has ever seen.
Jokes aside, here’s my hot take on eye contact: If you’re not that comfortable with eye contact try to do it just a little more, paired with a slow nod. Take breaks from the incessant stare by finding one other place to look (somewhere downwards, it looks contemplative rather than distracted).
(I’m going to go much further into eye contact when we discuss reading the specific person you’re talking to on another day).
Don’t Pre-Judge - Ever felt like the person you’re talking to has already made an assumption about what you’re saying?
Yeah, it’s not nice. In fact its socially repellent.
It also makes you (the speaker) rarely want to open up to them again. This kind of listening will eventually end your romantic relationship, leave you promotion-less and slowly bring the number of guests at your future wedding down to 4 (including the priest). Ever seen Donald Trump interact with anyone? That’s what it looks like.
Empathise - Whether you want to connect with someone OR you want them to stop talking. Empathy will fulfil both while still making you a better listener. People just want to have their experiences validated and this helps them feel heard. If the person is a chronic complainer, you empathising with them ASAP will likely cause them to stop, at least for a while. Empathy is human connection 101.
Here’s an empathy cue card..
“I’m so sorry to hear that happened to you, that sounds really shit!”
“I’m not surprised that incident stressed you out, are you feeling better now?”
“You deserve that holiday after you saved all those raccoons, Linda! Looking forward to hearing about it when you get back.”
Remember, empathy is about showing genuine care and understanding for someone's emotions and experiences. These sentences can help convey that you're actively listening and trying to connect with them. Don’t be a machine about it and Don’t just blankly say “That’s crazy” while staring at your phone.
More on listening and how to be heard soon…