3 mundane questions is all it takes to engage with someone
This post is all about how to raise your social confidence in small increments and spread good energy in all your interactions.
There’s a shockingly simple technique I figured out when it comes to engaging with people, making people feel included, and kickstarting a rapport with any new person you meet. There’s also the added bonus that this raises your own confidence and happiness too.
I’m not going to claim any kind of ownership of it and I definitely didn’t invent some new form of social skill. It also might seem immensely obvious to some.
Here it is…
Asking people 3 questions (and listening to their response) is all it takes for a person to feel like you’ve made some effort with them. Or in other words, to establish a connection.
Whether you’re at a work event, at the checkout counter, or being introduced to someone socially, you have an opportunity to show a little confidence and pass it on to the other person.
Shared human interactions are widely proven to increase a person’s social confidence and raise happiness levels.
Social confidence can be described in many ways, but in this instance think of it as just ‘good energy’. When you have good energy people feel relaxed around you and all of a sudden conversations are had, stories are shared and connections are made.
When you meet someone for the first time you are presented with an opportunity to instantly increase your social confidence and theirs, and then go off and spread it among others. (Insert your best herpes joke here).
Spreading good energy is the core foundation of networking, making friends, flirting or alleviating the stress of being stuck in an elevator with a stranger.
These 3 questions aren’t big, thought provoking, deep-diving questions. Actually they’re quite the opposite. You’d repel someone if you came at them with something philosophical and intense straight off the bat.
These 3 questions are mundane but they are just enough to encourage more conversation and someone appreciating your effort.
Here’s a story for context…
Years ago I was at a music festival with one of my best friends (Let’s call him Ben). We were both single and generally down to have a ridiculous weekend.
The sun was out, the beer was flowing and we also had backstage passes as I was there to meet and photograph the music acts. Free rein to go wherever we liked. We felt really fucking cool.
Ben is 5 years younger than me and I’ve always seen him a bit like a younger brother. I was watching him go through all the same struggles with confidence that I’d been through 5 years prior and that weekend he was voicing his frustration about not meeting people easily. Not having an ‘in’.
I knew what the problem was.
It wasn’t Ben’s looks or his humour, this guy was hilarious and full of life around his friends. It was that when he met new people he never initiated conversation or enabled more of it. He would wait for it to come to him.
He wasn’t actively trying to get to know people and his interactions with new people fell flat quickly, even after being introduced.
I made a suggestion: Each time you meet anyone this weekend whether it’s a friend of a friend, or just the staff working the bar, ask them 3 questions.
Like I said at the start, this is all it takes for someone to feel like you’re making an effort with them.
(Bare in mind I wasn’t asking Ben to approach strangers, this exercise was just for whenever he’s introduced to someone or has a reason to talk to someone.)
In the context of a music festival Ben’s 3 questions went mostly like this…
Question 1 (super easy)
- “Hey, how’s your day going?” (Not “How’s it going” which is so automatic that it barely registers as a question)
Question 2
“Glad to hear it! Who else are you here with?”
Question 3
“What else have you got planned today?”
The answers to these basic questions lead to the other person asking questions and before you know it there’s ever flowing chat and a connection made.
What’s more…if someone gives you nothing in return to your 3 simple questions then you can walk away knowing you tried and that the awkwardness is on them. Plenty more humans to meet who will reciprocate your good energy.
At the start it really doesn’t have to be any more innovative or creative than that.
Ben tried this simple technique for the rest of the weekend whenever we’d meet people. It’s so simple that it doesn’t feel or look forced. It’s just showing a basic interest in another human being. It’s so natural, in fact, that I forgot he was doing the exercise I gave him and just saw my friend spreading joy.
It worked for him every time.
All these people he met (who probably carried their own sprinkle of social awkwardness too) felt engaged and interested. And because of all these new social connections, Ben’s confidence went up like the energy bar on a classic arcade game. Soon he was raising the good energy of every group we hung out in.
These situations are a win/win for all. Each time Ben’s efforts were well received his social confidence went up, and so did the other person’s.
When your social confidence is really low you can raise it in tiny increments. Repetition creates habits and habits are great at creating change. Pretty soon you’ll become socially magnetic.
These days I try the 3 Questions with everyone I need to talk to. Think about the joy you can induce in anyone who feels unhappy, lonely or lacking confidence. You can quickly make a person feel seen, appreciated and empowered through genuine human interaction which, in turn, makes you feel great too.
Thanks for reading.